How To Be Open
Throughout my life, when I have wanted something I have often become obsessed with getting it. It could be a big thing, like a relationship or a house, or it could be something smaller, like a certain tool or a pair of shoes. However big or small, the feeling is the same. I can feel it right now in my chest. It feels like grasping.
This grasping feeling stays with me, sometimes in the foreground and sometimes in the background, but always there, nagging. When I finally get the thing I want, the feeling goes away and I feel relieved.
Over time I have begun to associate getting what I want with the feeling of relief.
Of course, this feeling of relief is temporary. Once it's gone, a new want comes, and the process starts again.
This has led to another interesting association: my wanting something I don't have as a precursor to relief.
Can you see the cycle?
Relief is... relieving. It feels good to feel relieved. Especially when life otherwise feels uncertain or unsatisfying much of the time.
Since wanting something I don't have is a precursor to relief, I am in a constant search for signs of my own lack. A word for this is discontentment.
And this may go without saying, but there is an entire industry built around me which thrives on helping me feel my own lack, and then offer me a solution.
My discontentment makes me the perfect consumer. I am a cog. I exist to help the machine keep running until I die (and my kids take over).
This isn't what I want for me or my children.
How did I allow this to happen? It began with my desire for relief.
So the question is: is there another way to get relief? Is there another way to get what I want?
I believe that the answer is yes. But it will require significant change.
How to be open?
To start, what is it really that I am looking to be relieved from?
I mentioned that when I want something I begin to grasp. Actually, it feels more accurate to say that I become grasp. My heart is a clenched fist — my mind, my body, everything is narrow, focused, and driven... until I get what I want.
I am not looking for relief from not having; I am looking for relief from grasping at what I do not have.
That difference may seem subtle but it's everything. It means that the "problem" I'm trying to solve is never about what I have or don't have; it is about my beliefs. Two beliefs in particular:
- I'm not okay until I have what I don't have.
- It's up to me to get what I want.
The first step to a better way of finding relief is to realize that I am looking in the wrong place. The problem is in me, not "out there" in the world of things.
Just being aware of this is enough. No need to psychoanalyze or fix myself. Just shine a light on it, and watch how things begins to change. This is how lasting relief is found.
But what about the thing I want?
Once I realize that getting what I don't have won't solve my problem, it completely changes my relationship with the object of my desire. It frees it. And it frees me.
Grasping is about trust. Not only do I mistakenly believe that getting what I want will bring me lasting relief, but I'm afraid that if I don't go out and take it for myself, it will never come.
How can someone put something in my hand while it is clenched so tightly?
In all of my wanting and grasping, I close myself off from the very thing I want.
If I want to receive, I have to let go.
And that is hard because I struggle to trust that what I want will still come. Another way of putting this: I struggle to trust anything or anyone outside of myself.
In repentance and rest is your salvation; in quiet and trust is your strength. But you said 'we will flee on swift horses'... therefore, your pursuers will be swift...
There is no amount of running or working or trying that will allow me to outrun my running and working and trying.
At the end of the day, the problem is within. And so is the solution.
Regarding wants... a wise man once said, "my wants are good and right." Wants point us in beautiful directions. They challenge us to move. They connect us with beauty. They lead us to relationships. To sunsets. To water... or maybe a better way to say it is that our wants lead these things to us.
When I think of the best things in my life, most or all of them came to me. I didn't go out and get them. They were a wonderful surprise. And even the things which I did work hard for, if I'm honest, came ultimately from outside of my effort.
It is safe to let go. You will not starve. You will not suffocate. In fact, if you let go you will receive more and deeper than ever before.
We can change our relationship to our wants and needs — from grasping to receiving. This requires trust. And for many of us, that requires some healing. But even the healing we need will come more freely when we are open to receiving it.
Today is a great day to practice:
Today, I will take a moment to breathe and to let go of all of my grasping. I'll feel the relief this brings.
Having let go, I'll remind myself that my urge to grasp today is not going to solve my problem, but will cause it. The relief I'm looking for is here now. In this moment, I have everything I need.
From this place of enough, I'll look at the things I want. Instead of grasping, I'll open my heart to receive. I can call this prayer, but it's important to differentiate between nagging God to give me what I want vs gratefully receiving what God is already giving. I can call it manifesting, but it's important to differentiate between a magical formula for controlling the universe and an open heart to freely receive what the universe is sending my way. No words are sufficient. The important thing is the inner-posture of letting go of grasping and opening to receive.