Am I Being Chased by a Bear, or Am I in the Gym?
At the beginning of 2024 I made a commitment to post here every week, sharing everything I'm learning about finding presence and rest in life.
It's August, and I am proud to say that (so far) I've stuck to my commitment!
I am slightly less proud to say that out of all my years, 2024 may be one in which I have struggled the most to actually be present.
During the first half of 2024, my business generated less income than it had in a while. Money is a deep trigger for shame and worry for me. For much of this year, I've been drowning in that shame and worry.
There have been other worries, too. And despite consistent efforts through meditation, walks, books, prayer, even self-hypnosis, the circumstance did not change, and the worry and shame only grew.
In 2024, my family has felt my lack of presence. Not just a little. It has caused significant pain in my marriage. I have missed moments with my kids. I have been in the house, but I have not been home.
This lack of presence has also impacted friendships and, ironically, the effectiveness of my work.
In 2024, I've felt like a man running away from an angry bear.
Meanwhile, I've diligently published weekly essays about finding presence and connection. I've performed and spoken nationally on how to operate from an inner posture of rest.
Am I a hypocrite?
Am I unfit for a role of supporting presence and connection in the world?
A few years ago, I might have come to that conclusion. I might have interpreted this year as a major failure, revealing my inadequacy. I might have quit altogether, with the conviction that I cannot possibly lead to a place I cannot seem to go myself.
Today, I have a different perspective.
I believe that this year points to the fact that I am just the right person for the job...
Could it be that when we take a stand for something important to us, God and the universe respond affirmatively by activating our training?
Could it be that the depth of my challenge to be present this year — and the surrounding circumstances — have been a gift? An affirmation of my mission, and a specific equipping to help me accomplish it?
Am I "in hell," the way I've felt many times this year?
Or am I in the gym?
I have been closer to quitting my 25-year pursuit during the past few months than ever before. If I am a failure, and my hypocrisy has finally been exposed, quitting may be my best choice.
But if I'm simply feeling the burn of specific, necessary training which has been provided to help me carry out my mission, then I will choose a completely different response.
When being chased by a bear, fight-flight-freeze can be a helpful response. But, in the gym, we invite discomfort and we seek a little bit of pain.
For most of us, today is not something to survive; it is a wonderful opportunity to grow.
The difference is our perspective. So we must take every thought captive.
I accept the challenges of 2024 as a gift — as a vote of confidence. I must have been ready for more! And that means I am ready to offer even more.
PS. This week I am launching a YouTube channel called A Voice in the Noise to further support presence and deeper connection in our world. Through this channel, I'll publish videos sharing my process of navigating resistance, self-doubt, anxiety, and fear in a pursuit to be more fully present for myself, for my family, and for the world in which I live.
The first video is already live — watch it here.
If this resonates:
- Subscribe to my YouTube channel and let's take this journey together.
- Share this with a few others who you think might resonate.
- Consider supporting my continued work here. ❤️