What It Is

I don't feel like writing. I don't feel like singing. I don't feel like practicing. Or being a parent, or getting dressed. I don't feel like much of anything. Is this depression? Probably. This isn't a cry for help or even a complaint. I expected to feel like this. My battle is not "How do I not feel depressed?" Storms come. The battle can't be about stopping the storm or even feeling better about the storm. The battle is to allow it to be what it is. And when it's time to get up and move, to do it, in spite of bad feelings. So my battle today was to let myself feel bad. Also to finish a song. To clean the toys out of the yard. And to play with my kids and read Frozen to my daughter before bed. It wasn't easy. I don't feel good about today, but I did what I needed to do. Eventually good feelings will come. The clouds will part. Blue sky will emerge. I'll laugh. Things will be fine. But until then, I choose to be ok anyway. I choose to be ok with feeling bad. And missing Olivia. And feeling broken and incomplete. I choose to allow it to be what it is. To trust. To rest. The sight of dead grass, brown lifeless trees, and overcast skies is overwhelming. But under the surface, life is coming. Spring is coming. Maybe life is still ahead...


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