We’re so programmed to seek relief from discomfort by using external means. Social media and buying new things and getting back to work were such a big draw for me during the year following Olivias death. But I could feel that I was pulling away from myself—from where I was—in order to go after those things. It wasn’t about enjoying working, it was about avoiding what was happening inside. But the location of the pain, deep in the center of myself, was also the location of the healing. Simple things like breathing and walking and just being have been my greatest sources of healing. I’ve realized how synonymous breathing and resting are with living. I’ve realized how much of a spiritual practice it is to just breathe. I’ve realized how little I allowed myself to do that before Olivia. I’ve realized that I’m not just being healed from a shattered heart from losing my daughter, but I am being healed from a lifetime of worry, anxiety, and being everywhere other than where I am... I’m being healed from a lifetime of not-living.
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