Life Is Only Here

You’re counting days, you’re killing time, you’re all but gone. So am I.

I don’t think there’s anything more difficult than noticing what’s in front of you - being where you are, when you are. Three years ago I wanted to be in a different city. Last year I wanted to feel “normal” again. This year I want to be in last year with Olivia.

But here I am, here. Today.

What’s happening in this moment?
My son is practicing piano upstairs.
My daughter is playing with her dolls.
My other son is stomping around the house because he’s bored and wants to make us all pay.
My wife is up there trying to create some sense of order.
Olivia is at rest 2 miles away… or a million miles away, I don’t know.
I’m tired from another restless night, with dreams about my family being in danger and my inability to keep them safe.
I’m sitting in my office trying to put my feelings into words.
The grass is wet from a storm which just ended. The sun is peaking out from behind the clouds.

This is life, at the moment. And at the moment, everything is ok. And even if it wasn’t, this is life.

How many of our years will we give away to Fear? How much of our own life will we not live?

You’re counting days, you’re killing time, you’re all but gone. So am I.

Don’t be gone. Don’t let this happen over and over, to us and our kids and their kids. If we lose the battle, they will too. Let’s break the cycle, of dying before we’re dead. Let’s return to where we are, when we are, who we are. Let’s leave what is not, alone. Those times and places will come, or they won’t. If we can learn to be here now, we’ll have the discipline to be there then.

No matter how painful or confusing or perfect, Life is only here. It is only now.

We’re still here. We’re breathing out, we’re breathing in. We’re alive.


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