Dreaming

Two years ago Heather and I sat in a coffee shop and spent the entire day dreaming. I'd just stepped away from a 12yr career and the future was wide open. It was exciting and terrifying. We started the day talking about who we were, because how can you know what to do if you don't know who you are? After some hours we decided Heather’s two strongest traits were: nurturing and artist. Mine were: tenacious and artist. (We’re a sometimes annoyingly intense couple!) We talked about what it would look like for these two people to live fully and settled on some things which have led us to what we're now doing with music. Looking back on that day, I now understand why God has entrusted Olivia to us. Heather's nurturing has been what's kept Olivia alive this long, without a doubt. My need to do the right thing and unwillingness to give up has helped lead us through the scariest season of our lives, as we embrace uncertainty for an indefinite amount of time. Together, we're nurturing and honoring the beauty of Olivia and her life, regardless of the cost. That's who we are. It's so natural to decide the best thing to do with our gifts is to use them to get what we want. But it's obvious that Heather's and my gifts have been tailored to be spent on Olivia. She is placed in the care of two people who have been specifically trained in how to care for her. This says two things to me: First, a strong sense of self should always lead to generosity. Many of us spend our lives trying to create and protect our identity because we haven’t taken the time to learn who we already are. As long as I’m insecure about who I am and whether I’m any good, I can’t be generous towards other people. Second, this isn't the God I've always pictured - always setting up chess pieces for strategic moves. This God just wants a terminal baby to have the richest possible life, for her to be adorned in beautiful garments, for her beauty to be seen and appreciated, regardless of how long or short her life is, no matter what it costs. This feels like a more accurate picture of God than my previous one, but I’m sure it won’t be my last.


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