This beautiful girl. Tonight I realized that this entire day I was anxious and extremely sad and had no idea. It just felt like a "regular" day. I did my work. Mowed the lawn. But the whole time I felt so anxious. Playing songs and conversations and scenarios inside my head, mostly subconscious. Non stop. Like a constant noise inside. I had to lay down after dinner. I thought I was sick. Then it hit me that I was extremely sad and missed Olivia. As soon as I allowed myself to feel that and cry I felt physically fine. I got up and played the rest of the night with my other daughter. I felt sad the entire time. Very sad, but I also felt like a whole person; alive.
I'd rather feel sad and consistent all the way through than to appear fine and be at war with my self.