about hope

about hope

Once in a while, I feel a rush of hope flood my heart. For a moment, everything is possible, I am safe, I feel excited. The next moment, it's gone and I'm left wondering how I could have been so naive.

My sense about this once-per-week or so experience of mine is changing.

I used to think this rush of hope was coming out of nowhere, then disappearing into nowhere, like a mirage. Unattainable. Uncontrollable. Undependable.

This morning I had "the rush" of hope. I decided to write before it went away, so it is still lingering now. In a moment, it may be gone. But, from inside the rush of hope, I have a different perspective to share.

To my future self and to anyone else who is reading and has had this experience:

This hope is not a mirage. My sense in this moment is that the rush of hope is let in, maybe as a result of letting my guard down -- that there is a raging, rushing, endless source of hope and possibility and power flowing around me, looking for a way in the way water looks for ways in. It doesn't go away; I find the hole in my defenses and plug it. I am the barrier. I am the dam. Or, I create it. As a defense.

I may have let this hope in by accident this time. But what is to say I can't choose to let it in in the future? What is to say I can't learn to let down the barrier?

This is a muscle, a discipline, I want to develop. Not the art of simply "thinking positive," but the courage to let go and receive what is already surrounding me.

I can already feel the mirage disappearing as I write this. I'm wondering if I should even share these thoughts. I feel a little stupid. And my defenses have been re-built...

My sense about this once-per-week or so experience of mine is changing.

I used to think this rush of hope was coming out of nowhere, then disappearing into nowhere, like a mirage. Unattainable. Uncontrollable. Undependable.

This morning I had "the rush" of hope. I decided to write before it went away, so it is still lingering now. In a moment, it may be gone. But, from inside the rush of hope, I have a different perspective to share.

To my future self and to anyone else who is reading and has had this experience:

This hope is not a mirage. My sense in this moment is that the rush of hope is let in, maybe as a result of letting my guard down -- that there is a raging, rushing, endless source of hope and possibility and power flowing around me, looking for a way in the way water looks for ways in. It doesn't go away; I find the hole in my defenses and plug it. I am the barrier. I am the dam. Or, I create it. As a defense.

I may have let this hope in by accident this time. But what us to say I can't choose to let it down in the future? What is to say I can't learn to let down the barrier?

This is a muscle -- a discipline -- I want to develop. Not the art of simply "thinking positive," but the courage to let go and receive what is already surrounding me.

I can already feel the mirage disappearing as I write this. I'm wondering if I should even share these thoughts. I feel a little stupid. And my defenses have been re-built...


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